I cannot find my penis.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
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We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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