My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
