I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We left the knife in your bed.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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