Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
