I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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