it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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