its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
