I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
