Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
