I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
