The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
