So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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