I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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