I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
