saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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