I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
