i dont even know how to be here
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You're like the curious george of whores
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
