she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
