i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
