Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
