Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
