the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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