im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
