My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
