Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
