I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
