When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
