Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
