I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
