Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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