I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
