my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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