just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize