Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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