i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
