I could make wine with my vomit
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
