Someone shit on the floor
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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