Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
