Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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