Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
