Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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