I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
