youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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