I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
