Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
