Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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