This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
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I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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