quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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