Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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