if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
