Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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