i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
