i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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