i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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