do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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