If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
