It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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